Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
