Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
