Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
