I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I could fuck to npr.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
