I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
