So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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