My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she smelled like a LAN party
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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