Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
