I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
