Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My bed smells like the plague
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
