your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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