yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Randomize
