He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
