if i can run in heels then i can drive
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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