Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
