we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
