Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
