If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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