i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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