I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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