The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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