my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
