i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
