I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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