OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
