True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
