he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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