1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
