i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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