The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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