I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
