My liver just broke up with me...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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