My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
