He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
