I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
