i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im six kinds of drunk right now
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
