dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
