I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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