last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
