I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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