don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
