he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
