My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
this just has baby written all over it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
