alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
