Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
