I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
