dude i'm inner monologue high
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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