I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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