my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
