i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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