another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
