so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
