Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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