Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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